The world is full of assumptions. What are they for, when do they help and when can they be rather unhelpful?
In this article I am trying to answer some of that, in my own way and as always (disclaimer) void of any medical training or empirical evidence.
Reason why I am writing about this subject in the first place is to come to my own landing on the topic, and you guys can be witness to this thought process at your own risk. A friend of mine persistently tells me whenever I am assuming something, especially whenever I am assuming it about her. Much to my own annoyance she is right, so I have some digging to do.
When solving any complex problem (whether in a mathematical or business context), assumptions have to be made, unless all factors are known. As long as the assumptions are reasonable (which is always only the case in theory) the outcome gives us useful guidance for a course of action, provided we have flexibility to change course if the assumptions needs adjustment. You can imagine that – if you are building a bridge across a canyon, you make little to no assumptions and ensure that you have all facts that could ever possibly matter, whereas during a casual stroll in a new city, without time pressure you can make some assumptions as to what areas are nice to explore.
Having said that: we actually don’t have to make many assumptions these days because Mr Google knows it all. Noted the conflicting information and fact checking required, but at the very least the internet helps us make better assumptions.
There is of course another reason why assumptions are made, other than to deal with unknown factors. Assumptions are short cuts for the brain, they save us from having to dig up facts unnecessarily. With every new situation our brain compares it to past experiences just like a child with a geometric shapes toy; round peg, round hole? Eureka!
Without assumptions we would probably struggle to even leave the house: what coffee does my wife want today, what tie is more suitable for todays meeting, does the dog need to go for a walk? However, when it comes to human relations, assumptions can be tricky; humans are more complex than situations or problems. Assumptions based on past experience often don’t hold. They may even actively steer us in the wrong direction.
We all have biases about matters such as appearance, political or sexual orientation or religion. I am for instance a heavily tattooed and Caucasian male. Meet me in a suit and you would assume I am a business man. Meet me after work in a tank top, you may think I am an artist or triad member. That’s a big assumption based on appearance. I am not complaining as this is my choice and I have options. My African American friends do not have options, nor do my Muslim friends if they feel a beard or hijab is an integral part of their religion.
Fortunately the world has gotten a lot smaller these days and interaction with many different appearances and religions has significantly eroded assumptions. Things get more complex in close relationships however. We all carry emotional baggage, some more than others. This baggage colours our perception, drives our assumptions and projects our experiences. Getting to know another human being is a long process, oft aborted early stage. You would think long term relationships (whether friendships or romantic ones) are like unicorns. It would fill a library to describe how to build good relationships and I don’t remotely have the expertise to do that, but here is my thought on assumptions in human interaction:
· Awareness helps detect assumptions
· When you detect an assumption, rephrase it as a open and unbiased question
· Listen to the answer and reconfirm what you hear
· And finally, be aware that everyone makes assumptions. Some more than others. If assumptions are made, be compassionate, whether to yourself or to others.
Lastly, in my experience, as emotional baggage changes, the above process of awareness ad avoidance of assumptions in human interactions is impacted. For instance, someone with cPTSD like yours truly, will mark what’s safe unsafe and vice versa. A kind and unexpected gesture will be assumed to have ulterior motive and a dangerous situation will be assumed safe because that is what feels normal. At the same time, someone with attachment issues may assume that an expression by a loved one that they missed them, is an attempt to tie them down, triggering a panic response.
I have met few people without any emotional baggage. Some however have managed to understand what they are hauling, managed to lose some of it and managed to work around the rest. Awareness and a good set of patient friends will help in getting there. In that process don’t reject your assumptions, they are part of you, even if not helpful. Embrace them, give space to them and be aware that they impact your interaction.
Original Article Posted on LinkedIn HERE.
